What Love Is and Is Not

Growing up I had the Disney version of love on repeat in my head. I would get married at 21 and have my first child at 25 ( a girl) and then a boy a year or two later. Clearly, the universe had other plans for me (inserts laughing till I cry emoji.)

Through every age, my ideal version of love would change. Looking back on my teenage years, I was desperate for love, and so I settled for abusive forms of what looked like love. Living In my 20’s, I thought I wanted a Prince Charming kind of man to come in and save me from myself. Swooping in to relieve me of my loneliness, help me heal parts of my low self-esteem, and be my girlfriend in a man’s body of course  (the last one was a joke on me.) 

Beginning half of my 30’s I got bored with dating just to say “I went on lots of dates.” Desiring a deeper connection, someone who lived with a healthy mindset,  and appreciated life.

Being in a long-term relationship has helped me gain some wisdom  that I would love to share with you, take what feels good for you, leave what does not:

• Relationships will be tested-financially, spiritually, and exes coming back as temptations to sabotage.

• You play a part in your relationship always, sometimes we have blind spots we cannot see. Watch out for the blame game wanting to come in and take no accountability.

• Sex plays an important role in your relationship, especially after having children. I highly recommend reading the “Queens Code,” by Alison Armstrong with your partner to understand where wires get crossed and to reignite any flames that may have gone out after diapers and disturbed sleep.

• Be open to trying new things together. Opposites attract can be one of the sexiest parts of your relationship  I probably wouldn’t have stepped foot on a racetrack but when my man has that motorcycle suit on and burns rubber down the track it’s a total turn-on! And he probably wouldn’t have ever done half of the woo-woo shit I’ve had him in if we weren’t together. My honey on plant medicine is a treat for all to witness

• Looking at your relationship every year and appreciating the growth is important. It’s easy to focus on ideals and what media downloads in our brains (that sh$$ is not real!) Taking time to digest the small steps, the heart-openers, all of it can remind you of the work you have both put in.

• Hold your desire for where you want your relationship to grow into. There are so many moments I would say to myself “We will never do that” “Fill in the blank is always going to be an issue” “He will always be like __________” I could pinch myself for getting into my head so much at the beginning of our relationship when it was hard.

• Having boundaries with friends and family around your relationship are necessary. There were so many outside influences who doubted that our love would last(and if we both hadn’t did our work they would have been right) Make it a habit to not have conversations about your relationship with friends and family who are so heavily invested emotionally in you.

Love is something you have to both be willing to trust. It does not live on its own, it needs energy and attention to flourish and breathe. Be open and willing to learn along the way. Know that both you and your person are always evolving and that things that seem to remain the same will not if you make room for something else. Both partners need to be open and emotionally available to do the work that confronts parts of their lives they haven’t wanted to look at in the past. Relationships are mirrors to reflect unhealed parts of us both. Love can be joyous, yummy, and adventurous, you get to create it moment by moment.

Recommended Resources For Love Below:

Love Languages by Gary Chapman - https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X/ref=sr_1_1?dchild=1&keywords=Love+Languages&qid=1623851665&s=books&sr=1-1

 The Queens Code by Alison Armstrong - https://www.amazon.com/Queens-Code-Alison-Armstrong-ebook/dp/B00G8V7RC4/ref=sr_1_2?dchild=1&keywords=The+Queens+Code&qid=1623851703&s=books&sr=1-2

Getting The Love You Need by Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt Phd - https://www.amazon.com/Getting-Love-You-Want-Couples/dp/1250310539/ref=sr_1_1?dchild=1&keywords=getting+the+love+you+need&qid=1621456005&sr=8-1