When You Can’t See What’s On the Other Side
Our egos would like to think that “we’ve got this shit” after doing almost 20 years of transformational work, but the truth is we don’t have shit. Two years ago I found myself in that space. After 7 years of consistently doing Goddess On The Go quarterly and going on 6-month book tour adventures, I was burned TF out. I had no idea how I was going to sustain my NYC life and yet there was no clarity. Every week I was burning through my savings trying to keep up with a lifestyle that was slowly losing its zest.
Let me backtrack at the end of 2018 I heard a voice that said 2019 is your year to do plant medicine. The first week of the year a friend sent an email for a retreat to Peru and I signed up. The kicker it wasn’t until the end of May. The rest of 2019 proceeded to kick my ass up down and around the block. I went into a deep depression where I just couldn’t kick the funk. I traveled to Tulum on my first solo-cation since motherhood, I threw a bunch of money at online programs that I thought were going to help, and I signed up for Family Constellation Training because a part of me has a special place in my heart witnessing people breakthrough from things they have been holding onto for a lifetime.
May finally arrives I land in Peru and something inside feels different, I can’t put my finger on it but something just does. What I didn’t mention is that I had also re-welcomed victimhood into my life. Everything seemed to be happening to me and I couldn’t find any good in it. On our first medicine trip, I was trying my hardest to purge and it just wasn’t happening. The shaman who was working with us turned to me and said “Leora, you have the power to transform anything.” This wasn’t the first time I had heard that. Duh, Leora! This is transformation101 shit here. And yet somehow I had forgotten my power. In that moment a part of me chose to remember.
After ayahuasca a few days later joy returned, not the fake ass joy I had been pretending but real JOY and a feeling that no matter what was to come I would find my way back. Two days later I was on my way back to New York. The day I landed I was heading to Detroit for my bonus daughter’s graduation. I got my hair dyed and picked up my Rent The Runway (cause glam is a part of my Goddess dammit)
Later that day I had a clear download that my family needed to move back to Detroit. Detroit WTF?!!!! A part of me had had mini panic attacks in the past about moving back. It was 18 years in the Big Apple and I had left behind abusive relationships, half-ass friendships, and so many deaths of friends that had got caught up in the system.
What would I return to? Would I relive my childhood or even my young adulthood which was full of trauma? How was I going to make money?
Yet in that moment there was only a tiny touch of anxiety floating in the background the other 90% felt like a clear YES! And did I mention my apartment building got infested with mice and my living room had become a toy room so there no longer felt like any space to create anymore?
So guess what?!! We started house hunting. I knew nothing about buying a house but I figured I’d learn along the way. The 3rd house was the one I fell in love with it was spacious, had lots of light, and it just felt good in my pu$$y (and she doesn’t lie.)
We began the home buying process and 3 weeks later we were moving in. Chaos of course ensued because you know CYCLES and shit. My bonus children and I were now living together. 6 people under one roof, boxes everywhere, and the pressure of beginning something new. It would take a 3-month break-up, a bonus kid moving back out doing some work… moving back in, some new friends who weren’t really friends, a police visit, and covid to happen for us all to come back to why we all chose this new life together.
In the midst of what I like to call Libra balance I created my own sacred space in my home that I no longer have to share with my daughter LOL… but really having my own space to myself after 5 years does something different for my soul!! I’m spending a lot more time in nature (hell I live with deers, raccoons, possums, frogs, rabbits in my backyard) that’s been helping me to slow down, my biz started booming in a pandemic through beautiful collaborations with womxn all over the world which wouldn’t have happened if I was running all around the city, I’ve finally made some amazing new sister friends oooh I just love EM and I get to hang out with childhood friends who are family, and today I realized home is wherever you are and whatever you create.
Thanks for coming to my TED TALK:)!
